I'm Not Scared...But I'm Scared of

I'm not scared of LiONs AnD TiGeRs AnD BeARs, but I'm scared of...

I'm scared of wanting someone to be a part of my life more than they want to be there.

I'm scared of connecting with someone that is unavailable.

I'm scared of losing the few people that actually give a damn. Apparently it's easy to walk away from me.

I'm scared of trying and falling flat on my face so I frequently take myself out of the game before even giving myself a chance to succeed. (like this school thing)

I'm scared that when I speak no one really listens.

I'm scared of ending up alone. And since I can't get with anything that can't feed itself or clean up it's own shyt...I won't even be that creepy cat lady. LOL

I'm just sayin...

*This was originally written 2/19/09 and still rings true. So I thought I'd share it. Makes me want to cry from an overflow of emotion. 

Rotten Fruit

He places me in timeout in my fragile state

So he can watch my abused body crumble to pieces instead of holding me together when I needed him most. 

I am broken

Pieces of me embedded into the fibers of the very same comforter

Where a strange man stripped away my dignity at the precise moment he forced himself inside me

Strategically folding and stuffing himself  into my secret garden

Raw

Trespassing on sacred territory

Because he felt he had a right to what's legally mine...

So, freely he sampled me 

Taking the best part of me selfishly

Leaving me damaged like rotten fruit

Knowing that nobody else would want me

Hearing so-called friends taunt me

As if anyone could find being raped funny

So he laughed in my face while I cried

Not knowing how to properly embrace me

He touched my nerves instead of my spirit and made a mockery of my pain.

Hopeless Romantic

She's just a hopeless romantic

She's hopelessly frantic

She's hopelessly hoping he harbors the same feelings for her as she does him; see he's romantic.

Dreaming vividly with words and emotions

Remembering what it feels like to be touched

Remembering what it feels like to be touched by him

Making me his ocean

Rocking together in unison and I made drums from an old head board and his bedroom wall

Til he and I came together

Swearing I'd never fall but damn words don't adequately express 

This jumbled up mess inside my head

Thinking at best this could be something real

Or that's what I thought

Confusing reality with how I feel

Knowing that soon I'll just be a chalk outline along the beaten path and he'll have forgotten about me before the ink even dries on this poem. 

Remembering home

But knowing that nobody remembers you when you're gone

So you're forced to make people disappear same as your emotions 

Numb due to this frostbite that swallowed  your heart

Decorated with tick marks of every guy that's came and gone without even caring to remember your name. 

And the worst part is I let him in thinking he was different

But he was just like the others and for that, only I can accept the blame. 

Untitled/Unfinished...

They say misery loves company

But he also love words that rhyme with hi, dove and boo

So he whispers sweet nothings to the sounds of I love you.

While I slip into love with the possibility

He slips in between my thighs

Letting his lips slip false truths or rather white lies, as black and  white turn gray.

Fixating on ways to illuminate this dark hole

My sparks slow and he pushes me away.

So I push back 

Ignorant to the fact that things will never be how they used to be

Allowed my dreams to compromise my reality

Until I boxed myself in white picket fences at the top of my wish list

But swearing on a bible doesn't necessarily mean I'm telling the truth

So accept this as my proof

And even though I love you despite all the evil things you do

It's time to love me more...

But I Love You

Rewind a little time back

As present meets memories

And I frantically try to escape

The mystery that is us

Lost in lust

I remember the good we shared

Until wet dreams turned into night sweats

And you made me afraid to step out of your shadow

But I love you

Til love conquers all

And the good stuff makes me forget all the misery

Addicted To Your Love

This is a follow up piece to Pondering What If.

His lips whispered 

The equivalent 

Of what felt like a kiss 

To my heart

And with different sparks 

Made me fall in love.

Head first I fell thru a ring of lust

Longin for the simple things in life

Like a true crush or even a gentle touch

As his love made love to my soul.

Felt no longer broken

I was whole 

And this was even before I allowed him to come  into me

But like a fool 

I gave my heart to a man 

Who wants nothing more than to screw me.

To tango and dance with anyone and anything anatomically identical to this

Leaving nothing to chance

Going for what he wants and

Sadly that isn't me. 

Had me pondering what if til I finally did

Wishing I never had because he tells me that he loves me 

But only with his words 

He doesn't understand me when I tell him all the other stuff gets drowned out by the magnitude of his actions

Resonating  louder than words

Cutting permanent scars into the possibility that could've been us. 

Lost in lust 

I thought I was in love 

And even more foolishly that he loved me back

But I'm no longer dumb to the fact 

As blind eyes now clearly see

That this was never more than a fuckin game.

So I prepare myself to walk away as I urge him to do the same

Cuz if love hurts this much I'd rather just settle for pain

No more fake smiles during storms of rain

Settling for fake exchanges made in vain

Rather you just ask to hit the pussy instead of dropping my heart down the drain

 Pretending this was ever about anything more than sex.

I respect that you stayed, but not the many games you played while my love got tangled up in yours

And now baby  I'm lost in myself. 

Addicted to your love but knowing withdrawal is the only way I'll ever truly be happy again and the only way I can actually live. 

So I implore you to give 

The only shot I'll ever get 

At finding true happiness.

Pondering What If

It's funny how much he makes me smile and I've never even seen his face
He strokes my ego in ways that no man ever has
Causing my bad days to instantly turn good with the most simplistic of phrases
Like hello, I like you & sweet dreams
So I dream sweet dreams of one day meeting this king that has me so intrigued
Speechless as he sings invisible melodies that make me trip clumsily over my insecurities and long to fall into his arms
Wishing I could run my hands over his bald head or maybe even his bare chest
But at best I'm left stroking these keys as 600 miles separates us from really experiencing what this could be
So I'm reduced to sporadic texts and late-night phone calls in place of face-to-face conversations and intimacy
Yearning for ways to subtract the miles away til there's nothing between us but small pockets of air and electricity
And to finally kiss those lips...
It'd be like a full moon followed by a lunar eclipse
Followed by darkness because I'm scared of what comes after this
I open up to him and share my heart's contents
But I dread maybe one day having regrets
Because maybe he thinks I'm kinda cool
But there's nothing more that he wants from me
Just to watch me smile
So I shy away and hide my tears due to pride
Retreating
Before he ever really displays any real emotion
And spend an eternity pondering what if
Because I couldn't just be in the moment and live.

Pretend Friends with Benefits

Difficult man complicates our relatively simplistic relationship

Making old wounds bleed over his insecurities

Strumming my strings with his fingers

As he plays Geppeto and casts me into the role of Pinocchio

But I love myself too much to play his puppet

Toying with my emotions as he quickly comes in and out of me and my life

How could the best 30 and worst 30 minutes of my life overlap in perfect harmony?

Trapped in a bittersweet symphony of my desires and the battered reality of my truth

He calls me only when it’s convenient

As my calls mysteriously drop from his phone

And he mysteriously drops me from his day

Knowing that I’m not even a priority, but still I stay

Lost in lust

I trust that he would never do the one thing that matters most…

Hurt me

And no matter how hard I tried

I still found his heart tangled up in mine

And damn if we aren’t both lost in a complicated web of lies

His scent causes my heart to skip a beat

I swear when he touches me I die

And those sexy lips and soft kisses gives me life

But only for one or two nights

You see

Because as certain as I’m sure I’m a nice piece of ass

She’s probably the one he’s making his wife

So even though he just maybe kinda likes me

I think I love him

And if I loved myself I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this

Recounting one of my most memorable trysts

Wanting to believe I’m so much more

But secretly knowing im just a pretend friend with benefits

Tired of being stringed along at the bottom of his list

And getting my gift snatched out from my arms and thrown away

Like newborn babies who wanted nothing more than a chance at life

So I keep my distance

And now I blow sour kisses from across cold, green, distant plains

Because I just can’t stand to be near him

I can no longer stomach my lust and distrust

To see his face next to her memory

And nothing next to mine but a memory of us

Drowning in a sea of emptiness

Looking for someone to throw me a lifeline

And rescue me from myself and the life of mine

And maybe just maybe

Teach me how to be loved and how to love again

But I’m over married men and guys with girlfriends

Who insist on cheating and lying their way into my precious underpants

Tickling my sweet spot

With the tips of their tongues

As if we don’t speak the same fuckin language

And I don’t already understand exactly what this is

And to think…if I were the sensitive type I’d probably cry

Tears of disappointment and pain

So that just in case you didn’t hear me

You could see how bad it hurts

Knowing you’ll say and do anything to fuck me…over.

The Perfect Dream

Here's a piece I wrote off the top of my head in 2008! It's about love that's in a different time zone and how it feels longing for it! Enjoy!!!!

Like a baby fox I stay on nocturnal watch
Pissed at an east coast time clock
And wishing with you all time would just stop
I'm this bushy tailed fox
Trying to count rocks and sleep my way into a perfect dream
Not sleeping awake at night
Needing to know what the f*ck does it mean
So I keep retracing my steps trying to figure out where did I go wrong
But we still end up in this tangled dance and song
And I can't help but feel like I was tricked and wronged
Cuz like a newborn with fragile wings I still can't fly
But conversations with you gives new life to living things
And falling out of the nest isn't as bad as it seems
Now, whereas before I was alone
I have you to pick me up and strengthen my wings.

Thanks (Graduation Poem)

I hear tick tock tick tock

Clocks chirp melodically

As I search for a way to buy more time

And at best turn simple dreams into a simple reality

Where 1+1=2

And I could’ve thrown in the towel a million times without you

For many days puddles drenched my feet

My fate mirrored doom

Til the day I stood proudly

Degree with me;

A day I realized my dreams had finally came true.