Addicted To Your Love

This is a follow up piece to Pondering What If.

His lips whispered 

The equivalent 

Of what felt like a kiss 

To my heart

And with different sparks 

Made me fall in love.

Head first I fell thru a ring of lust

Longin for the simple things in life

Like a true crush or even a gentle touch

As his love made love to my soul.

Felt no longer broken

I was whole 

And this was even before I allowed him to come  into me

But like a fool 

I gave my heart to a man 

Who wants nothing more than to screw me.

To tango and dance with anyone and anything anatomically identical to this

Leaving nothing to chance

Going for what he wants and

Sadly that isn't me. 

Had me pondering what if til I finally did

Wishing I never had because he tells me that he loves me 

But only with his words 

He doesn't understand me when I tell him all the other stuff gets drowned out by the magnitude of his actions

Resonating  louder than words

Cutting permanent scars into the possibility that could've been us. 

Lost in lust 

I thought I was in love 

And even more foolishly that he loved me back

But I'm no longer dumb to the fact 

As blind eyes now clearly see

That this was never more than a fuckin game.

So I prepare myself to walk away as I urge him to do the same

Cuz if love hurts this much I'd rather just settle for pain

No more fake smiles during storms of rain

Settling for fake exchanges made in vain

Rather you just ask to hit the pussy instead of dropping my heart down the drain

 Pretending this was ever about anything more than sex.

I respect that you stayed, but not the many games you played while my love got tangled up in yours

And now baby  I'm lost in myself. 

Addicted to your love but knowing withdrawal is the only way I'll ever truly be happy again and the only way I can actually live. 

So I implore you to give 

The only shot I'll ever get 

At finding true happiness.

Pretend Friends with Benefits

Difficult man complicates our relatively simplistic relationship

Making old wounds bleed over his insecurities

Strumming my strings with his fingers

As he plays Geppeto and casts me into the role of Pinocchio

But I love myself too much to play his puppet

Toying with my emotions as he quickly comes in and out of me and my life

How could the best 30 and worst 30 minutes of my life overlap in perfect harmony?

Trapped in a bittersweet symphony of my desires and the battered reality of my truth

He calls me only when it’s convenient

As my calls mysteriously drop from his phone

And he mysteriously drops me from his day

Knowing that I’m not even a priority, but still I stay

Lost in lust

I trust that he would never do the one thing that matters most…

Hurt me

And no matter how hard I tried

I still found his heart tangled up in mine

And damn if we aren’t both lost in a complicated web of lies

His scent causes my heart to skip a beat

I swear when he touches me I die

And those sexy lips and soft kisses gives me life

But only for one or two nights

You see

Because as certain as I’m sure I’m a nice piece of ass

She’s probably the one he’s making his wife

So even though he just maybe kinda likes me

I think I love him

And if I loved myself I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this

Recounting one of my most memorable trysts

Wanting to believe I’m so much more

But secretly knowing im just a pretend friend with benefits

Tired of being stringed along at the bottom of his list

And getting my gift snatched out from my arms and thrown away

Like newborn babies who wanted nothing more than a chance at life

So I keep my distance

And now I blow sour kisses from across cold, green, distant plains

Because I just can’t stand to be near him

I can no longer stomach my lust and distrust

To see his face next to her memory

And nothing next to mine but a memory of us

Drowning in a sea of emptiness

Looking for someone to throw me a lifeline

And rescue me from myself and the life of mine

And maybe just maybe

Teach me how to be loved and how to love again

But I’m over married men and guys with girlfriends

Who insist on cheating and lying their way into my precious underpants

Tickling my sweet spot

With the tips of their tongues

As if we don’t speak the same fuckin language

And I don’t already understand exactly what this is

And to think…if I were the sensitive type I’d probably cry

Tears of disappointment and pain

So that just in case you didn’t hear me

You could see how bad it hurts

Knowing you’ll say and do anything to fuck me…over.