I'm Not Scared...But I'm Scared of

I'm not scared of LiONs AnD TiGeRs AnD BeARs, but I'm scared of...

I'm scared of wanting someone to be a part of my life more than they want to be there.

I'm scared of connecting with someone that is unavailable.

I'm scared of losing the few people that actually give a damn. Apparently it's easy to walk away from me.

I'm scared of trying and falling flat on my face so I frequently take myself out of the game before even giving myself a chance to succeed. (like this school thing)

I'm scared that when I speak no one really listens.

I'm scared of ending up alone. And since I can't get with anything that can't feed itself or clean up it's own shyt...I won't even be that creepy cat lady. LOL

I'm just sayin...

*This was originally written 2/19/09 and still rings true. So I thought I'd share it. Makes me want to cry from an overflow of emotion. 

Rotten Fruit

He places me in timeout in my fragile state

So he can watch my abused body crumble to pieces instead of holding me together when I needed him most. 

I am broken

Pieces of me embedded into the fibers of the very same comforter

Where a strange man stripped away my dignity at the precise moment he forced himself inside me

Strategically folding and stuffing himself  into my secret garden

Raw

Trespassing on sacred territory

Because he felt he had a right to what's legally mine...

So, freely he sampled me 

Taking the best part of me selfishly

Leaving me damaged like rotten fruit

Knowing that nobody else would want me

Hearing so-called friends taunt me

As if anyone could find being raped funny

So he laughed in my face while I cried

Not knowing how to properly embrace me

He touched my nerves instead of my spirit and made a mockery of my pain.

Hopeless Romantic

She's just a hopeless romantic

She's hopelessly frantic

She's hopelessly hoping he harbors the same feelings for her as she does him; see he's romantic.

Dreaming vividly with words and emotions

Remembering what it feels like to be touched

Remembering what it feels like to be touched by him

Making me his ocean

Rocking together in unison and I made drums from an old head board and his bedroom wall

Til he and I came together

Swearing I'd never fall but damn words don't adequately express 

This jumbled up mess inside my head

Thinking at best this could be something real

Or that's what I thought

Confusing reality with how I feel

Knowing that soon I'll just be a chalk outline along the beaten path and he'll have forgotten about me before the ink even dries on this poem. 

Remembering home

But knowing that nobody remembers you when you're gone

So you're forced to make people disappear same as your emotions 

Numb due to this frostbite that swallowed  your heart

Decorated with tick marks of every guy that's came and gone without even caring to remember your name. 

And the worst part is I let him in thinking he was different

But he was just like the others and for that, only I can accept the blame. 

Untitled/Unfinished...

They say misery loves company

But he also love words that rhyme with hi, dove and boo

So he whispers sweet nothings to the sounds of I love you.

While I slip into love with the possibility

He slips in between my thighs

Letting his lips slip false truths or rather white lies, as black and  white turn gray.

Fixating on ways to illuminate this dark hole

My sparks slow and he pushes me away.

So I push back 

Ignorant to the fact that things will never be how they used to be

Allowed my dreams to compromise my reality

Until I boxed myself in white picket fences at the top of my wish list

But swearing on a bible doesn't necessarily mean I'm telling the truth

So accept this as my proof

And even though I love you despite all the evil things you do

It's time to love me more...

But I Love You

Rewind a little time back

As present meets memories

And I frantically try to escape

The mystery that is us

Lost in lust

I remember the good we shared

Until wet dreams turned into night sweats

And you made me afraid to step out of your shadow

But I love you

Til love conquers all

And the good stuff makes me forget all the misery

Addicted To Your Love

This is a follow up piece to Pondering What If.

His lips whispered 

The equivalent 

Of what felt like a kiss 

To my heart

And with different sparks 

Made me fall in love.

Head first I fell thru a ring of lust

Longin for the simple things in life

Like a true crush or even a gentle touch

As his love made love to my soul.

Felt no longer broken

I was whole 

And this was even before I allowed him to come  into me

But like a fool 

I gave my heart to a man 

Who wants nothing more than to screw me.

To tango and dance with anyone and anything anatomically identical to this

Leaving nothing to chance

Going for what he wants and

Sadly that isn't me. 

Had me pondering what if til I finally did

Wishing I never had because he tells me that he loves me 

But only with his words 

He doesn't understand me when I tell him all the other stuff gets drowned out by the magnitude of his actions

Resonating  louder than words

Cutting permanent scars into the possibility that could've been us. 

Lost in lust 

I thought I was in love 

And even more foolishly that he loved me back

But I'm no longer dumb to the fact 

As blind eyes now clearly see

That this was never more than a fuckin game.

So I prepare myself to walk away as I urge him to do the same

Cuz if love hurts this much I'd rather just settle for pain

No more fake smiles during storms of rain

Settling for fake exchanges made in vain

Rather you just ask to hit the pussy instead of dropping my heart down the drain

 Pretending this was ever about anything more than sex.

I respect that you stayed, but not the many games you played while my love got tangled up in yours

And now baby  I'm lost in myself. 

Addicted to your love but knowing withdrawal is the only way I'll ever truly be happy again and the only way I can actually live. 

So I implore you to give 

The only shot I'll ever get 

At finding true happiness.

Pondering What If

It's funny how much he makes me smile and I've never even seen his face
He strokes my ego in ways that no man ever has
Causing my bad days to instantly turn good with the most simplistic of phrases
Like hello, I like you & sweet dreams
So I dream sweet dreams of one day meeting this king that has me so intrigued
Speechless as he sings invisible melodies that make me trip clumsily over my insecurities and long to fall into his arms
Wishing I could run my hands over his bald head or maybe even his bare chest
But at best I'm left stroking these keys as 600 miles separates us from really experiencing what this could be
So I'm reduced to sporadic texts and late-night phone calls in place of face-to-face conversations and intimacy
Yearning for ways to subtract the miles away til there's nothing between us but small pockets of air and electricity
And to finally kiss those lips...
It'd be like a full moon followed by a lunar eclipse
Followed by darkness because I'm scared of what comes after this
I open up to him and share my heart's contents
But I dread maybe one day having regrets
Because maybe he thinks I'm kinda cool
But there's nothing more that he wants from me
Just to watch me smile
So I shy away and hide my tears due to pride
Retreating
Before he ever really displays any real emotion
And spend an eternity pondering what if
Because I couldn't just be in the moment and live.

Pretend Friends with Benefits

Difficult man complicates our relatively simplistic relationship

Making old wounds bleed over his insecurities

Strumming my strings with his fingers

As he plays Geppeto and casts me into the role of Pinocchio

But I love myself too much to play his puppet

Toying with my emotions as he quickly comes in and out of me and my life

How could the best 30 and worst 30 minutes of my life overlap in perfect harmony?

Trapped in a bittersweet symphony of my desires and the battered reality of my truth

He calls me only when it’s convenient

As my calls mysteriously drop from his phone

And he mysteriously drops me from his day

Knowing that I’m not even a priority, but still I stay

Lost in lust

I trust that he would never do the one thing that matters most…

Hurt me

And no matter how hard I tried

I still found his heart tangled up in mine

And damn if we aren’t both lost in a complicated web of lies

His scent causes my heart to skip a beat

I swear when he touches me I die

And those sexy lips and soft kisses gives me life

But only for one or two nights

You see

Because as certain as I’m sure I’m a nice piece of ass

She’s probably the one he’s making his wife

So even though he just maybe kinda likes me

I think I love him

And if I loved myself I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this

Recounting one of my most memorable trysts

Wanting to believe I’m so much more

But secretly knowing im just a pretend friend with benefits

Tired of being stringed along at the bottom of his list

And getting my gift snatched out from my arms and thrown away

Like newborn babies who wanted nothing more than a chance at life

So I keep my distance

And now I blow sour kisses from across cold, green, distant plains

Because I just can’t stand to be near him

I can no longer stomach my lust and distrust

To see his face next to her memory

And nothing next to mine but a memory of us

Drowning in a sea of emptiness

Looking for someone to throw me a lifeline

And rescue me from myself and the life of mine

And maybe just maybe

Teach me how to be loved and how to love again

But I’m over married men and guys with girlfriends

Who insist on cheating and lying their way into my precious underpants

Tickling my sweet spot

With the tips of their tongues

As if we don’t speak the same fuckin language

And I don’t already understand exactly what this is

And to think…if I were the sensitive type I’d probably cry

Tears of disappointment and pain

So that just in case you didn’t hear me

You could see how bad it hurts

Knowing you’ll say and do anything to fuck me…over.

The Perfect Dream

Here's a piece I wrote off the top of my head in 2008! It's about love that's in a different time zone and how it feels longing for it! Enjoy!!!!

Like a baby fox I stay on nocturnal watch
Pissed at an east coast time clock
And wishing with you all time would just stop
I'm this bushy tailed fox
Trying to count rocks and sleep my way into a perfect dream
Not sleeping awake at night
Needing to know what the f*ck does it mean
So I keep retracing my steps trying to figure out where did I go wrong
But we still end up in this tangled dance and song
And I can't help but feel like I was tricked and wronged
Cuz like a newborn with fragile wings I still can't fly
But conversations with you gives new life to living things
And falling out of the nest isn't as bad as it seems
Now, whereas before I was alone
I have you to pick me up and strengthen my wings.

Thanks (Graduation Poem)

I hear tick tock tick tock

Clocks chirp melodically

As I search for a way to buy more time

And at best turn simple dreams into a simple reality

Where 1+1=2

And I could’ve thrown in the towel a million times without you

For many days puddles drenched my feet

My fate mirrored doom

Til the day I stood proudly

Degree with me;

A day I realized my dreams had finally came true. 

Lost in Lust

Rewind a little time back
As present meets memories
And I frantically try to escape
The mystery that is us
Lost in lust
I remember the good we shared
Until dreams turned into night sweats
And you made me afraid to step out of your shadow
But I love you
Til love conquers all
And the good stuff makes me forget all the misery

Using God as a Reason to Hate is Still HATEFUL. Love, The Gays!

The following is the dialogue that transpired after I posted a video of a boy advocating same-sex parenting as he was raised by a lesbian couple. This is a prime example of why I am so turned off by so many so-called Christians that parade their hatred behind the Bible. I believe in equality for everyone and nothing you can say would persuade me to change my mind. There are people in America that are treated like second class citizens and I won't stand for it. Speak up or you won't be heard!!!!

HIM: People who believe in sexual preference don't believe in God. That's why I'm getting my life right with the Lord cause I can't be down in hell with all them gays and lesbo's. God created Woman to be a mans mate not another man and he knew what he was doing. Homosexuality in NOT right and str8 people need to stop being so weak and start standing up for what u believe in. And no I didn't read the speech cause I don't wanna hear what the punk gotta say.

ME: I disagree, disagree and disagree. But thanks for sharing your views on the subject. And you should've watched the video. It's actually about the parenting capabilities of homosexuals. It's a good speech full of valid points. Lol

HER: The sexual orientation of the young man's parents is no reason to call him a punk. He is very articulate.

HIM: A gay dude has no parenting skills. I would absolutely hate it if my pops was gay. A man is supposed to be an example of strength and stability not weakness and I don't care about how articulate he is. U can articulate and be str8. U don't ...think a man suckin' another mans dick is sick or what about him getting fucked in his ass. That ain't right. God didn't intend for a man to have sex with another man or a woman to have sex with another woman. Now watch that video again but this time think about all the dick he has sucked or how many times he took it up the ass then tell me he ain't a sicko psycho.

HER:  He never said he was gay. What do his parents being gay have to do with him? I thought you said you didn't watch the video. I'm confused as to how you're even commenting and you didn't watch the video. I'm not saying homosexuality is right ...in God's eyes. But cursing and trying to preach about how hell bound the next person is, is just as wrong. Psycho is getting on here trying to preach and you're not right yourself. Tell me God loves your profanity and then we can have a discussion. I'm sure there are things in your life that God doesn't like. And while you're standing up for what's right be sure to preach against premarital sex (you've probably had plenty of it).  You said people who do believe in sexual preference don't believe in God. So people who have premarital sex, have babies out of wedlock, etc don't believe in God. So by your standards people who sin don't believe God. Therefore you don't... believe in Him either. I'm positive that your profanity is a sin. We are ALL born into sin and shaped in iniquity (Psalm 51:5). My point is we all have something in our blood line that's sin. This is why we must crucify our flesh daily. It's obvious that you did not thoroughly think before you began commenting.

ME:  Very well said!!! My point exactly.

And @Him the video is for everyone that says homosexuals can't raise "normal" kids or even exemplary kids. He's proof that they can do both. Your argument makes a lot of false assumptions two of... which are all straight men are strong and all gay men are weak. Both are wrong. I just hate when sinners use "being against homosexuality" as their platform for being right with God. I think before you can stand in judgment of anyone else you should be perfect in the eyes of God and if you can't testify that you're WITHOUT SIN yourself, who are you to judge another human...especially based on YOUR religious beliefs?! And no you don't have to respond. We get it. God hates fags blah blah blah. I respect your opinion but I'm tired of reading your hatred on my walls cuz its disrespectful son. #imjustsayin So let's just agree to disagree.

Remembering the days of "I Do"

Remember me til it hurts
As memories flash like thunder strikes
Exploding across a warm summer's day
Tracing the painful experience that was us
Allowing insecurities and trust issues to
Drive wedges in between our love
Til enemies were all that were left
Naked chocolate bodies
Whispering false truths to the sounds of he loves me he loves me not til the moment my heart broke
And when we spoke you confirmed what I feared to be true
Remembering the days of "I Do"
Knowing baby steps were the only way you could
And to this alleged lifelong friendship
Dead
Lifeless
Like the time we cried
You and I
Time spent in vain
Because I thought we had forever
But your shit was gone by the end of the week
And no matter how little it hurts
You'll always be my motivation for this
Love lost rekindled with a bitter kiss
Here's to the future because I refuse to be held hostage by this
And to you kind sir
Kiss my past
Cuz you are history baby.

Bouncing in Circles by Counts of 5

I sit alone in a crowded room
Surrounded by nothing but time
Memories lived bouncing in circles by counts of 5
And I always stop on 12:20 on the dot
The day that I met you
And I swear time stopped
You warmed a cold, broken heart
And if I knew then what I know now I would've ran away from you
Far away from that day
For we shared a bitter love
One that ended before it really began
And after all the love lost
I lost another friend

I Am Not My Hair...

...A lesson I am learning the hard way. Since I began my lupus treatment my hair has slowly been falling out. I cut off most of it as an attempt to slow down the rate at which it was falling out, but the truth is nothing is going to stop it short of stopping my medicine. It's hard not having hair as I've always been that girl with long, beautiful hair and now I'm bald and sick. Still fabulous though. Just thought I'd share....

Before the Lupus...

First chop after hair started falling out in August...

When it all fell out in September...

October 2011

Halloween 2011

UPDATED PHOTOS

November 2012

November 2013

I Run Backwards To You

Come with me on a journey
Littered with words falling down a broken highway
Running from here to there
As sunrise meets sunset and day becomes night
The hour glass spills over into our reality
Eternity scurries past my eyes
As my soul eternally cries why
And if only time could rewind itself
I’d find myself backtracking past tracks
Left foot behind right foot
Down a rose adorned golden path
Tracing back a dotted line that started with you.

2 parts of a broken heart would mend itself to become whole again
No longer two
And the cold stares that we now share
Returning to lukewarm glances that gave birth to smoking hot circumstances
Inhaling and exhaling
Til your breath became mine
Your heart beat controlling mine
Pulling my strings
My lonely heart races
Through countless embraces
You buried your seed in my soul
And in other places
Naked bodies would be clothed then naked again
In euphoric embraces that conjure dejavu
You’d let go of my hand as tears quietly ran up my cheeks
And hid behind my pupils
Teaching anyone who’d listen how to open their heart and love
But I watched thick brick sturdy walls fall
Up and down to the sound of sweet poetry
Whispering anything to me to get your arms back around this
Sexy black lips locking in a kiss
Face-to-face we sit still til your scent fades
From nothing between us to nothing but space
Fading fade fading away
Til there’s nothing left to see
And I wonder when my day will come.

Treasure hunting has me scavenging
Tick tock tick tock
For this special clock
That can abruptly stop time, shuffle and rewind
To fast forward time or rewind to skip not so pleasant moments of my life
A clock that magically allows me to
Skip them as I run backwards to you
Lost in translation
I lose track of heartache and pain
Held captive by the dissociative characteristics of a migraine
As blame consumes the queen I used to be
Optimistic me transforms into bitter, irate, and jaded me
Frantically looking for a chance meeting to escape my reality
Or perhaps a simple key
Masculine is he that unlocks my dreams
As he reminds me I’m carrying his seed
So this journey of words and self-speak doesn’t ever have to back track
No rewinding or intermingling of time
Just sunsets and sunrises as the short hand dances in circles around time
Til new life is here
Marking the creation of my eternal flame
I shall call him the truth
And he is my new beginning.

Standard of Living....

Ignorance is alive in America. I think we would like to think that collectively as a community we have made progress, but if you take the time to exam the issues plaguing our society in the 21st century, you’ll see that not much has changed. I think of how much Americans have endured as a people and even more so with minority groups such as African-Americans, Latinos, Asians, or even homosexuals. We have all at some point been discriminated against. I guess that is why it surprises me that people will continue to knock each other down instead of building each other up. This is something that happens within a race or even towards other races. It all starts with a little respect.

Recently Houston based rapper, Slim Thug, earned himself some negative press as the result of an interview he gave where he in my opinion blamed black women for black men’s problems. The fact that he has an opinion or even favors other races over his own when it comes to dating isn’t the issue at hand. We all have our preferences. We have all experienced different things. I’m saddened that in this day and age, people are still quick to condemn and entire race based on the actions of a few. Regardless to what he may or may not have meant, he has a social responsibility to the public to be aware of what he says. He is not an everyday Joe and his words are magnified and heard all over the world. I am but one person and realistically how many people will ever even read this post? When you are a celebrity, you are forced to be accountable for your words or actions. Don’t stereotype everyone because of the females you deal with. Some guys are quick to boast about everything they have that they want people to be jealous of and in the same breath are mad that you seem to be attracting women that look for those same things you are boasting about. Starting to see a pattern yet fellas? If that is not what you are trying to attract them stop advertising it. Instead of making it an issue within ALL black women how about you evaluate yourself and the people you choose to associate with. Afterall, these are the people shaping your views and it is not representative of black women as a whole. If you find yourself always surrounded by the same elements, fix it! Open your pretty brown eyes and look the hell around! Who cares how big your rims are; impress me by reading a book or having an intelligent conversation. Are you a provider for yourself and your family? That is the main question that I want to know. I am tired of people who choose to not change their stars getting mad at those people that do. You can work hard. Nothing comes easy. Life is what you make of it. If you chose the low road, you can’t get mad at someone that took the high road; someone that continues to better themselves and their situation.

Over these last few days people (men mostly) kept saying that women have high standards. Okay. That could entirely be true, but like most journalists, I had to ask what high standards were; a question that no man was willing to answer. At most I heard high meant unobtainable, but that doesn’t shed any light on where black men would like black women to be mentally. What do I look for in a man? In a word…SUCCESS. You may wonder what does that mean. It means that I cannot take on another liability. I am rapidly approaching my 30s and cannot imagine myself having to play taxi cab for my mate. He doesn’t have to be rich, but at 30, if he still makes minimum wage or close to it he can’t help me. Does that make me a gold digger? I say no. I’m not looking to be wifed by some NBA player with a multi-million dollar contract just like I’m not trying to snag the successful business man. I am however forward thinking and if we can’t support ourselves, how will we afford kids or anything that the future throws our way? I have no intentions of voluntarily signing up for a life of financial turmoil. Say what you want, but I’m sure most people feel the same way.

We all get dealt the same number of cards, but it is up to each and every one of us to make the best out of the hand we are dealt. The only true losers in life are those that don’t even show up to the game. Life is a series of obstacles and each one that you are successfully able to overcome will make you stronger.  When you look back over your life and all that you have been able to achieve, you’ll be able to smile; on the inside and out.  

Riddle Me This....

Wasted time spent arguing and debating with simpletons. Yes I am confident in my own abilities to articulate my perception of the truth. I debated a seemingly simple concept with someone that claimed my strategy merely consisted of using big words to argue my point. Funny how some people think that they are always right and even will be bold enough to tell you how you feel. She told me I just didn't know it yet. Without any self control I laughed in her face; a laugh so good I could feel it in my toes and if only she knew how stupid she sounded, i'm sure she would've been laughing with me.

I don't pretend to be the smartest person, but I am capable of logical reasoning supported by facts. As a result, I feel like anyone that can't comprehend the words that I spit at them, doesn't deserve my time or a decent explanation. I talk to some people and honestly I believe I'm being punk'd. But nonetheless its just more ordinary people giving me migraines.

Sometimes I wish we could institute a standardized test for public speaking and anyone that scored below a certain point would be restricted to their living quarters. I HATE people that much!!! Hate is such a strong word, but it fits perfectly.

I Should Be Studying...

I know that I should be studying but when the mood hits you, as a writer you should take pen to pad and let your mind free itself from captivity. I think more than the average person mostly because I spend a lot of time alone. When the noises subside and quiet is all that you have left, you'd be surprised and what you hear.

My fears resonate and quickly grow from small concerns to life shattering decsions and I find myself quickly becoming a victim all over again. I am strong enough to beat just about anything, but the scariest thing I have come into contact with would be my memories. Memories that are constant reminders of every mistake and every good thing that has gone bad. Memories represent years of regret and oppression. I am shackled and chained to an imaginary hurdle that I have yet to discover how to escape it.

Sexually Satisfied

Looking for him to invade my space

I open myself

He swallows the knowledge I throw at him

And in return he gives me a taste

He caresses my breast with a swift stroke of his hand

His touch beckons me to his every demand

My ghetto wordsmith plays chopsticks on my mind

Working his way line by line to a predetermined destination...a predetermined time

Before thoughts that were his genuinely become mine

Pleasuring me comes first

Riddled with metaphors and similes

He uses like and as in the same paragraph

Simultaneously and it has nothing to do with the tightness of my jeans

He tickles my pink ribbon with hyperbolic dreams

The things he says are never as they seem

I am his toy; he playfully tantalizes and taunts me

Leaving me hanging on each word

Whispering sweet nothings into my ear

"Can you hear me?"

I embrace him and release more than just my fear

I beg for more as he goes deeper

Deeper into here; my core

Being more than just a sexcapade

I let him take me there

Reaching out I pull him into me

And 2 somehow equals one

We reach our seemingly infinite peak

A voyage that likes to touch but only mandates speech

Tears fall from my eyes until my truth becomes yours

The truth that what you share with me takes me on the greatest high

Yet I escape the dangers of lust and promiscuity

Your juices become mine

We produce offspring

Reading and writing between the lines

An exchange of the minds

That leaves you and I sexually satisfied